Transformed To Tell

Transformed To Tell

My journey started when I was twenty-nine yrs old. I remember someone saying when you’re about to reach those 10-year milestones in your life you should reevaluate your past to have a better future. Well I was almost thirty. As I did my evaluation I realize I was controlling and had set limits on my life and the life of my five children. I had no real friends and I wasn’t a real friend. I was felt alone and depressed. See,the previous eight years I had been experimenting jumping from relationship to relationship; men and women alike. I liked whoever liked me and when you’re constantly failing and there’s a different variable. What’s the common denominator “ME.”

I had left a homosexual relationship of five years. Another failed relationship, it was summer I sent my children to their father with plans for them to stay the following school year.
So after many years of being a mother wife and my mother’s most responsible child I needed to learn how to just be “Sabrina” and so my journey begin.

I moved into a one bedroom apartment “my cocoon”, bought a small car that would never hold 5 children it was time to become someone other than who I was. Someone who loved them self in order to be loved. I had to find myself. I had to learn to be myself but where should I start “The Beginning”

My beginning I have always had a memory of an event, I remember i was a toddler. I remember being in a pamper. I remember everything. Yes,I remember. Yes My first memory of being molested I was between two and three years of age; he was someone my mother trust it my stepfather he was supposed to protect me but he violated me instead. Remember I said something about being the common denominator I remember being 5 years old and my cousin and then 6 years old the babysitter son and then 10 years old my mother’s other husband, was there a sign on my back that said molested Sabrina? I don’t know but what I did know was that all my past events had made me who I was at that moment and I felt as if I was nothing. That place of darkness was real I was depressed but because of those five beautiful beings that I had given life I had to be better I had gone into the Cocoon a caterpillar but I had to make sure that a beautiful butterfly emerged and not a moth.

I started breaking down and shedding my old skin I had to become the person God has allowed to survive all the mental physical and emotional trauma. I surrounded myself with beauty I started taking special care of my person my hair my nails my eyebrows facials. I started going to church meditating praying and tithing I started reading more and not romance but reading to gain knowledge about how to be a better me. With all that I had to figure out how to break out of the mental and emotional bondage I have found myself in my resentment to my past experiences had gotten me know where. My abuse is still violated my mind I was still restricting my life experiences by not caring and loving because other than my children loving had always come with conditions either on my end or the other person. So I had to love me unconditionally. I had to let go of the what if he hadn’t touch me? What if he hadn’t kissed me? and what if he hadn’t violated my mind? After all of the years that had passed if I have not received an apology

I wasn’t going to get one and I had to be okay with that because no matter what anyone had done to me “I am responsible for my happiness.” I had to learn to love me and in knowing the root to my freedom; breaking free from darkness in the light and emerging a beautiful, vibrant, bold butterfly; was in FORGIVING ME…..


Sabrina is the author of Transformed to Tell Her journey to finding forgiveness after abuse.

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